A month is approximately 30 days give or take. depending on how you look at it, it can be a short amount of time or really long. For me the last month has been a busy emotional roller coaster. So let me take you back to the beginning of my month.
December 9th 2010
I had just got home from orientation for my first semester of college. It was about 8 pm. That is when my half brother called." He's coming."
"What?"
"Her water broke, he's coming." The panic in his voice was a little comical.
Ok so "he's coming" which means off to the hospital WE go. I don't care who slept with who at this point, he needs to be there for the birth of his child and I need to be there for my sister. That was my only train of thought at that time.
But as time slowed to a crawl I had way too much time to think.Her water did brake but she wasn't progressing very fast so WE spent the night there. Eventually they both fell asleep but I didn't, I couldn't. I sat there and thought and thought. What was the rest of our lives going to be like? How was I really going to feel towards him, towards them? If that didn't drive me crazy enough when the next morning came I had to go home to take care of our kids. My daughter had to go to school and my son needed a sitter, I couldn't have them hanging around the hospital room and at this point they only knew they were having a cousin. My husband stayed at the hospital.
Also at the hospital was my father. The man who was not part of my life for one reason or another and I had only really known for about 4 years now. He had his own opinions about the situation and during our little smoke breaks down stairs he made sure I knew his opinion.He kept asking me if I was all right but that is like asking some one if they are alright after a loved one passed away...No of course not.
Later on in the evening my sister was still not progressing very well. They had induced her to help her along but every time they turned on the potosin (induction medicine) babies heart rate would drop a lot. So she needed an emergency c-section. Unfortunately blood and guts just isn't me so my husband got into scrubs and went with her to see his newest son be born. I think waiting in the hospital room was the longest 45 minutes of my life. I am pretty sure I was pretty close to resembling a leading character in a zombie movie.
Shortly after 8 pm in walks my husband (still in scrubs) holding his brand new baby boy. A small 6 pound bundle in his arms.I immediately started snapping pictures like I was the paparazzi. Mainly because that is what I do, I usually love to take pictures. But the other reason was to hide behind the camera. To hide behind the rush of emotions I was feeling and not wanting to express. Suddenly it was my father's brilliant idea to have me hold my nephew and my picture taken.
Picture has been altered to protect every ones privacy. Actually I really don't care if you know me or not but it is just something that I feel is needed even though I am blogging about it. Notice I haven't used any names? But yes that is me in blue nail polish holding my new born nephew/ step son.
He instantly stopped crying when I held him which was kind of neat but I couldn't help but think "What am I to you?"
I didn't have long to dwell on my thoughts this time, they wheeled in my sister and shortly I was back to behind the camera. I was trying my best to document everything via camera. I took pictures of mommy and daddy. The first feeding, the foot prints and the first bath.Nurses were every where, writing down the measurements and taking care of my sister. One of the nurses had asked what babies name was, my sister and I both started to say his name but the nurse walked right by me and said "I was talking to mom."
That hurt, it wasn't meant to...after all, the nurses knew the awkward situation and I wasn't the mom to this new little bundle of joy. But it hurt none the less. When things had finally started to calm down I sat on the visitors couch in the back of the room, out of the way. My sister looked over at me (poor thing was still very doped up on morphine) and smiled. "Don't you feel like a new mom too?"
"Not exactly."
Time to leave, I had to get out of there. I didn't want to tell my sister how I felt, I couldn't bare to have my husband touch me let alone talk to me but what was I going to do? By this time it was 10:00 at night.The kids were staying with their other aunt for the night.I told my husband to stay at the hospital for the night to get to know his new son and to help my sister. I hadn't been to sleep yet (awake for over 24 hours is no fun) but unfortunately a little cold hard fact was staring me in the face. The place that my new adorable nephew had been conceived was on my very own bed at home. Where else was I to go? I took a pain reliever and went to sleep, hoping that the pill would work fast and keep me asleep the entire night. It did.
The baby was healthy and they say that is the most important part...unfortunately (call it Karma) my sister did not recover well either. She ended up getting a uterine infection and her incision did not want to heal, she ended up staying in the hospital for another week, but because she attempted to go home in that week the hospital has a policy that the nurses can not help you take care of your kids, even if they are just new born. So he stayed a couple nights with us until my sister felt better.
Since then of course we had Christmas and new years came again. Just like last new years it was me, my husband and my sister hanging out.I didn't get drunk this year, neither did my sister mainly because she was still on pain meds for her infection.
Now my nephew is a month old as of yesterday. I am still trying to cope with everything and really focusing on my homework or anything else that keeps me from thinking. I still haven't talked much to my husband and my sister and I never really talk about anything DEEP. She still hangs out and the kids now know that their cousin is their brother but they actually took it pretty well...I guess I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop on that subject.
So that's where life stands right now for the most part,as a famous country singer once cruned...."Life's a dance you learn as you go."
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